


Pass the Chocolate

by Romaine



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-23
Updated: 2007-07-23
Packaged: 2017-11-06 01:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/413393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romaine/pseuds/Romaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry writes a fanfic for Draco, but it doesn’t quite work out the way he planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pass the Chocolate

**Author's Note:**

>  Just a fun one-shot for those who have been struck by a Dementor (Flame Review) or two.

****“Harry, where are you?”

“I’m in the study.”

“What are you…Harry, are you okay?”

“Yes.”

“No, you’re not. Don’t lie to me, Potter. Now tell me what the long face is for.”

“I wanted to write you a fanfic story, as a surprise for our anniversary. I know how much you like reading all those stories people make up about us.”

“And…”

“Well, um, er, some people didn’t like it.”

“Harry, no one writes a story that everyone likes.”

“I realize that, but it appears I didn’t know the rules in writing a story about us and how we got together.”

“Will you let me see it?”

“I want to, but, I’m afraid that you will laugh at me.”

“Did you have fun writing it?”

“Merlin, yes!”

“Does it have a plot? Did you say you loved me? Do we have lots of sex?”

“Yes, yes and yes.”

“Then I will like it. Now can I see it?”

“Okay, but I want you to tell me what I did wrong. I want you to be honest. The doc is open on the computer.”

_Five minutes later_

“Oh, Harry, you mentioned Ginny in our story, and that you actually liked her even after you did the lame break-up. That is not good.”

“Why not?”

“Shite! You wrote that you shagged her.”

“Well, I did.”

“But you didn’t say it was because she was evil, or tricked you with a potion.”

“But, she didn’t.”

“Doesn’t matter, when writing for this group, it’s best to leave Ginny out of the picture completely. You see, there are fans who hate Ginny, and others who revere her.”

“So I pissed off both?”

“Yes, for those who hate her, you are supposed to have written her as a bitch. For those who revere her, sex is not allowed.”

“Why not?”

“They will say you made her a slut.”

“WHAT?”

“Well, sorry, but it’s true. Any girl who is aggressive in that manner is labeled as a slut.”

“Fuck, that is ridiculous. Ginny is not a slut.”

“Harry, I know she’s not. In addition, babe, you can’t have a story that is both het and slash. It has to be one or the other.

*head desk*

_Five minutes later_

“What are you laughing at, Draco?”

“You mention a character the readers have never heard of.”

“Yeah, so what?”

“Well if she’s female, they call her a MarySue.”

“But, Draco, I thought a MarySue was a representation of the author. She’s supposed to be all powerful, sparkly, beautiful, and you or I fall in love with her.”

“Well, that’s one interpretation, but anytime you have an OC she can be called a MarySue.”

“For Merlin’s sake, Draco, I mentioned the old witch in one paragraph.”

“Sorry, Harry, OC equals MarySue.”

“Shite.”

_Ten minutes later_

“Potter, did you have a beta?”

“No, but I do now. I asked around for three months, and got my hopes up a few times, only to be disappointed, so I posted it anyway. I now know I should have never put it out there unbeta’d.”

“Yes, it can be hard lesson to learn.”

“I did make some wonderful friends online and they are helping me out. Remind me that I need to send them a case of Butterbeers.”

“Will do.”

_Ten minutes later_

“Oh no! You didn’t? You didn’t write _that_?”

“What didn’t I write?”

“You said I screamed when I came.”

“And…”

“Potter, don’t you know males don’t scream? We grunt, groan, moan, and may even say a few words, though not too often. The jury is still out on whimpering.”

“Malfoy, you scream.”

“I do not!”

“So that high pitched sound in my ear is not a scream?”

“No, it is not. It’s a roar.”

“Malfoy, you scream.”

“Moving on…Oh fuck! You said I cried. Hell, you even said you cried.”

“Well, you did. Don’t you remember you were pissed to the wind? You know how emotional you get when you have too many scotches. It’s like they don’t even read the story, but jump right to the sex scenes to find something wrong.”

“Harry, males do not cry in stories, no matter how sad the situation is, or how pissed they are. And, yes, many readers do that. “Uh, oh.”

“Now what?”

“You have written in too many genres. You should pick one and at the most, two.”

“But...”

“No buts, Harry, those are the rules.”

“Draco, where are these rules written down for first time writers?”

“They’re not, Potter. You are just supposed to know them.”

“Ah, I see, sort of Divination.”

“Something like that. Now let me continue.”

_Ten minutes later_

“Harry, you have us sharing the top/bottom relationship.”

“But we do share.”

“True, but there are many readers that will only read a story if I top. Actually, there’s more that will only read when you top.”

“You’re joking, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not. Oh no!

“What?”

“Now you mention that Ron and you are still friends.”

“We are.”

“No, Harry. Ron was your friend when you were younger, but he turned on you when you fell in love with me.”

“B-but, Draco, Ron accepts you, he accepts us.”

“Doesn’t matter. Ron is a bastard.”

“What about Hermione?”

“Most slash readers don’t really care, but they do think she should keep her nose out of our business. You are pretty safe in writing Hermione anyway you want, as long as you don’t give her a makeover.”

“Fuck, this is ridiculous. What about the other people we know?”

“You can do most anything you want with them. Hermione and Sev are pretty popular for het, and if you want to get really kinky in slash, you can have the twins…”

“Stop, don’t go any further…”

“Or, my father and me.”

“Dammit Draco! I told you to stop! Now, I’m going to have an image of you begging for your _daddy_.”

“Well, you could join us.”

“Fuck you.”

“Not a bad idea.”

“Not in the mood, Malfoy. So let me get this straight: I can write all of this other stuff about other people, and I’m okay, but I have to be careful about Ginny and Ron.”

“And Tonks with Remus.”

“What’s wrong with Tonks and Remus?”

“Harry, Remus goes with Sirius and/or Sev. He’s gay.”

“No way!”

“Way.”

“Hey, I thought Snape went with Hermione.”

“Only if you are writing het. If you are writing slash, he goes with Lupin. Well, actually, sometimes Dad gets to play with Hermione and Sev at the same time in het.”

“Wouldn’t that be slash then?”

“No, if Hermione is the main character, it is het.”

“Oh my God, what about your mother?”

“Mum, she usually gets offed. Oh, and Harry, you should probably make Dumbledore evil.”

“Never!”

“Voldemort good?”

“No!”

_Five minutes later_

“Ah, Harry, this is really wonderful. Not too fluffy, not too dark, not too sad. I love it.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re a fanboy.”

“No, I’m not. It’s good and I do love the present. Now let me take a peek at the reviews.”

“Don’t laugh too loud.”

“I’m not going to laugh. Everyone gets a little con-crit along with the positives.”

“Is that what they call it, con-crit?”

“Yes, where someone tells you that you made a few errors or that a scene doesn’t quite make sense. Sometimes it can be a bit brutal.”

“Oh, so is that what _this one_ is then. It felt more like non-con to me.”

“Fuck, Potter, that’s a flame, and I must admit, it’s a scorcher.”

“It did appear to me to be a bit rude.”

“Crude is more like it, but look at all the other brilliant reviews you received.”

“The flamer said it didn’t matter because the others were all just fangirls.”

“And fanboys, Harry. It looks like you have quite a few fanboys.”

“Yeah, well, whatever.”

“You’re not going to let the wanker get you down.”

“No, but it does make me wonder what kind of person gets their thrills doing this kind of stuff.”

“Um, well, I would say a bully.”

“Malfoy, you were a bully. Dudley was a bully. No, this reminds me more of a Dementor. A bully is in your face; these things just come out of nowhere and swoop down on you. They suck all the joy out of things, and thrive on stealing positive emotions from authors. Yes, a Dementor.”

“So what are you going to do about it? Are you going to quit writing, hide in a hole, lock your journal so only your friends can see it?”

“Nah, I think my magic is still strong enough to do an _Expecto Patronum_ , and then I think I will eat some chocolate.”

“Sounds like a great plan. So do you have any other plot bunnies running around in your scarred head?”

“Hmmm, sort of. So it would be okay for my next story to be kind of out there?”

“Sure. What do you have in mind?”

“Well, I was thinking of doing a creature!Draco story.”

“Really? Do I get to be a Veela and impregnate you?”

“No, you git. I was thinking of making you a wolf, and you would turn human during the full-moon.”

“Uh, Potter…”

“Or I could send you to Azkaban and I would pine away for you for thirty years.”

“Uh, Potter…”

“What?”

“I think we better order some more chocolate.”

 

 

_finis_  


  
All mistakes (cough) mentioned are ones I have made (well not the Hermione makeover).  The stories discussed are mine also.  


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